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Below is my response to an email sent by actor Tony Simmons –– an email that asks me to sign a petition in support of John Kerry for President of the United States of America. This is something I cannot do, and for good reasons. Would you like to know more?


5.6.04

Dear Tony!

I want you to know I cannot support Sen. John Kerry because I am going to vote for myself as President of the United States. That's right, me: Prez of the US! And although that implies a leadership governing “us” all, it’s really all about “me”. I want to be open and up front regarding this point, as well as open and up front on “all” fronts (unlike our current leader; or any other in history, for that matter). Therefore, I propose to get right down to brass tacks and change the name of our fine country to the “United States of Mutated Emirates”, i.e., the US of ME. As well, I want you to know that I am also the only candidate running on a platform promoting absolute world genocide in the case of personal failure to achieve my goals as President. Alexander the Great, Attila the Hun, Hitler, Mussolini, Hussein, Bin Laden, Bush, etc., etc., have nothing on me. They've all had the right idea, mind you, but their scope and vision has proven to be so shamefully limited. Yes, just shameful in my eyes. Thus, I fully intend to go right where all these mediocre megalomaniacs have gone wrong. I promise you I will be more than a single runaway train tearing up one narrow track. I will be what I envision as a new Big Bang intent on consuming all that I can. Now on to lesser topics and current events that I’m sure are on the minds of everyone. What is my take on the war with Iraq? First let me focus on the most recent controversy commanding the tabloid headlines: the Iraqi prisoner abuse scandal.
I say, what is all this ridiculous hoopla regarding these “supposed” abuses of Iraqi POWs? It's clear to me that the US is not only trying to liberate the Iraqis politically, but also sexually. They’re an oppressed people who have been forced to hide behind their burkhas and traditional dress for far too long. If I were President I would not only support a completely free Iraq, but also a completely nude Iraq. After all, Allah is essentially just another sun god, not unlike Christ -- who, you might take note, also wore clothing similar to modern day fundamentalist Muslims; and who also abandoned his clothing on the cross, not only to humble himself before God, but to bare himself in support of nudity and no birth control; hence, sexual liberation for all future generations. Especially those who like to run about in togas, burkhas, and various towel-like attire. I mean there's just no telling what Muhammad was up to on the ol’ prayer rug when no one was looking. Remember, it's suspiciously easier to drop your towel before God (or Allah) than to take off a pair of pants, shirt, tie, socks, shoes, and undies. It's also painfully clear in my mind, that Iraqis, and the fundamentalist Muslim population as a whole, have been just aching for centuries to throw caution to the wind (and their clothes) and strip down for Jesus -- uh, I mean Allah. And what about Buddha?! Look how happy that wise gentleman was with his big bare belly hanging out for all to see and rub for good luck. Again, a nude nation, nationality, or religion, is one of total freedom and endless smiles. Which again brings me back to the purportedly mortified Iraqi POWs...

People wonder why their heads, upon capture, are always covered with black hoods. It’s been said it’s a policy to keep the prisoners disoriented and in the dark. That just is not true! It’s an effort to keep all of the rest of the world disoriented and in the dark. Our military and current administration does not want us to see the ear-to-ear grins donning the faces of these politically and sexually liberated Iraqis. In fact, these magnificent and brand-spanking-new Iraqi smiles are, for now (and sadly for us), only reflected in the faces of their “wrongfully” accused, grinning abusers. If I become President I will immediately take steps to remove all hoods from Iraqi prisoners so that the world can see first hand, for themselves, that these smiles of sexual liberation do exist, and nary can be washed off with the likes of mere soap and water –– or even a bullet to the brain. I myself have closely studied the recent, controversial pictures depicting hooded, naked, leashed, and handcuffed POWs and have easily come to the conclusion that our fine military has done more to promote homosexual freedom and gay rights worldwide than any other organization --–– and that includes the vast expanse of the Roman Catholic priesthood. Once again, when you truly seek out liberty through God (or Allah, or any other), you also find the rewards of a no-borders and no-boundaries sexual utopia.

Now, I ask you, which is better: a mortar round in the face, shrapnel in the eye, a blown off arm or leg, or... a little hooded and naked love at the end of a dog leash? I know I’d choose the naked doggy love any day of the week. So why all the uproar over the dubious sexual abuse of Iraqi POWs? Our military is simply acting as the arrows of Cupid and trying to spread the beauty of a much-needed intimacy between the races. Why, I remember the last time I was stripped naked, handcuffed and hooded by a buff, balls-to-the-wall woman in camouflage fatigues it was, well...let’s just say it was the best abuse I’ve ever experienced! And so I know first hand, that under what others might see as a terrifying (and terrorizing) dark hood of degradation, actually lies the face of utter happiness and heavenly euphoria. It’s the face of true liberation, I tell you! It’s a face that says –– with an unabashed, blinding, and luminous smile –– I am beautiful, I am me, and I am truly free! I am I-raqi! And most certainly it’s a face that’s saying, “Oh thank you George W. Bush, a grand leader letting the world know it’s OK to be gay...or bi-sexual...or interracial...or just plain naked and naughty at the end of a leash.” But now I ask you a very important question: Is that really fair for all of us poor Americans? I think not!

If I am voted President of the new (and sure to be sexually liberated and successful) United States of Mutated Emirates, I promise to bring home this magnificent gift of freedom that ol’ George and his army has bestowed upon the Iraqi people. We will no longer have to be oppressed. We will no longer have to hide ourselves, or our chosen lifestyles (or whips or chains or crotchless PVC costumes of love), from our own President and community. Vote for me, I say, and the US of ME shall conquer the world in more ways than one! Or at least I can guarantee complete annihilation of US by ME if all else fails. Then God, Allah, Budha, and all the rest sitting around the celestial gaming table, can sort things out for themselves.

Thank you, rest easy in these uneasy times, and good night.

Sincerely,

Your future President:
C.A.B. of the US of ME.

Ps: Please forward this letter to all that you know, and begin a petition supporting C.A.B. for President. Your vote can make a difference!